I can't stand that guy. How does he get such a great girlfriend and not remain true even in thought. It's guys like him that give the rest of us a bad name. No wonder "nice guys finish last." Stupid guys. Stupid cliche. Girls ... Women .. Females (sorry) ... They should all be treated with the highest respect, yet they aren't. Because it's guys like that that screw it up for everyone else. Guys like that ... Guys like ... me. I can't stand me.

What does it take?

What does it take? What could possibly make a warrior lay down his sword? What could cause a wanderer to stop in his path? What could make these things happen? What would it take to give life to a dying heart? What is it that the butterflies pause in awe of? Could there be such a thing? What could ever cause a linguist to lose his speech? Is there anything that can melt a heart of stone? Is there? Absolutely. I've found it. It amazes me what you find when you aren't looking.

> Anything

More than anything, I wish I could just see you again. More than anything, I wish you were right here right now. But I know it wouldn't mean anything to you. One day you may find all these writings, and wonder who they are about. "Could it be me?" you may wonder. Though you'll pass the truth off in thought of someone else. If that makes you happy, then my longings are reached. You deserve more happiness than this world has to offer. I hope you find it one day. Yet if I can do anything to help you obtain that goal ... you know where I'll be ...

Unworthy...

Momentarily

I was graced momentarily by your beauty tonight. Curiosity then struck my mind. I wonder if you have any idea how amazing you are. This is the furthest thing from lip service, as I am speaking wholeheartedly. Why should I have to make up something to appease you if you'll never read this anyway? I also wonder how I could be so lucky as to be around you? Sometimes God sends us angels to cross our lives, and we pause from our lives to breathe such the peace. Peace truly flows when you're there. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I have beheld perfection.

Knight

So many thoughts running through my mind's heart. There is so much emotion built from a hypothetical foundation. I have so much to tell you, and so much that I want to hear. I want to fall asleep at 10AM because we stayed up so late talking. We could trade stories about life. I could tell you about how I've ended up in the hospital, or how my 'life scars' still show as a reminder of turmoil. You could tell me about how you always wanted a knight in shining armor to sweep you off of your feet. Time wouldn't exist, nor would it cease. The next day would parallel not the previous, as I would slowly begin to understand. Maybe the costume shop would have a knight's armor there ... maybe ... but I'll never know. For every time I see you, my hands get sweaty and my pulse quickens. My mouth ceases to work as you walk by. I guess someone else can rent that costume. I wish I could just disappear.

Hidden in Your Mind

Do you mind if I hide in your mind for a while? Mine is a little confused right now. Peace would be wonderful, though I know I cannot see that anytime soon. There are so many things I don't understand. An array of emotion beating on my heart from every angle. Would betrayal arise? Will anyone know? If I scream loud enough in my mind, will anyone hear it? Please tell me. I just don't understand sometimes. I'm so helpless. Please allow me to live in your thoughts, in your mind. Maybe then I could learn all about you. So precious ... so far. Would you hold my hand as I sit here? Will you walk away as soon as you know that it's you I'm speaking of? "Everywhere" is making so much sense to me finally.

5 Minutes Ago

Is it possible that life as you experience it began only 5 minutes ago? No? Is that because you have so many memories to hold onto? "I remember this, though." Do you? How are you so sure that they're your memories? Why not ask someone else if you were there? They should know. Unless ... unless we're all the same. This doesn't bother you now, but it will. Especially looking back on it and wondering if you REALLY read this. Unless...

7:30

This morning I woke up at 7:30. I cannot express how much I wanted to sleep just a few more minutes. Alas! I arose to the clean air, and threw my covers off. I've yet to have a cold shower so far, and it proved to be the same this morning. As I slumped off to class, I longed for my warm bed. The air bit through my clothes as the wind danced around me. I don't see how someone can stand outside for more than 5 minutes. Breakfast was pretty good. After class, I came back to my room to rest. I looked all around. So much familiarity. So much peace. It's times like these I realize how much I take for granted. How can I complain with all I've been graced with?

Failure

Can this sum up any parts of my life? Can this describe the person I've become? Will I only make it most of the way? If I remember Luke 17:32, will I become the same? Am I just a cliche emo song? How many times will my failures effect the ones around me? How many times will I not answer the knocking on the door? Will the phone ever stop ringing? If I told you this was killing me, would you stop? Why must we take joy in others failures? Is it wrong? Why? Will i ever understand? Will I ever see a picture of time in the 4th dimension? Can I please have my CD's back? Will I ever come out of this comfortable shell and finally be outgoing? Could I ever effect someone else so much as to change them without either of us realizing it until it was all over? Will the wind ever stop piercing the wounds time has issued me? Will I ever be able to pick myself up off this cold hard ground? Will I ever have to leave myself there? Will the truth ever be told? Why is my best not good enough? If I was fireproof, would it still hurt to be burned by others? Will I be more like Lot's wife, or Lot himself? Am I ever right? Are my parent proud? How could I have let my friends slip away like that? Is failure my hobby? Am I but a failure? Will I continue to fall? Does the burning in my eyes ever fade? Is it even more failure to ask for help? Will I be condemned for it? Will everyone say that they'll be there for me only to talk about me behind my back? What will you choose to do?

God help me!

Well, this is it...

This is where I will be archiving thoughts, emotions, and pages that I originally wrote down into a brown leather book that Courtney gave me back in the day. Thank you, Courtney, for giving me the avenue. Thank you, life, for giving me the words.

Seven years of emotions have been captured in this brown book, and you can see the highs and lows in my life. You can also see the maturity levels change. Everything will written verbatim as it was originally intended, no matter how I feel about it now.

Alec